Quick Question: Chimps

Dang old chimp. Hell no.

Dang old chimp. Hell no.

Just a quick question. Do chimps freak you out? I mean, monkeys in general are weird. Like people, but way more rude. They do some stuff the way we do, like grabbing a carrot. But a chimp might stick it up his ass, pull it out and take a bite anyway.  They have those giant teeth and are like twenty times as strong as people. They say they are smart, too, but compared to what? Sure, that astro-chimp did math and so forth, but didn’t they give him little pellets for doing things right? How smart is that to get paid in food? I tell you this, if somebody tried to pay me for going up in a rocket for even a half hour, he’d better give me more than a sandwich.

The more I think about this, the weirder it gets. Chimps wear diapers and their clothes never fit. Plus they got hands twice. No feet at all, just a double set of hands. They smile and have little heads, but man they freak me out.

And I don’t even want to know how they smell. Hell no.

Learned this one the hard way



You can’t be be too careful.

As some of you know, I have had my few brushes with the law. Most of them (not all) were my fault, but even so I’d have to say that my major crime was getting caught. I mean, look at the guys at Merrill Lynch and E.F. Hutton who fleeced the teachers out of their retirement by changing their money into mortgages for homeless people. Those fuckers got bonuses. Me, I get jacked for a misdemeanor possession charge and wind up going downtown because of a failure to appear warrant. it’s like they got the whole penalty system rigged to fine you for being poor. You get fined, you can’t pay it so you get sent to the joint. Like that is supposed to pay the fine? Or maybe it is. Somebody is making money on it.

Anyway, I was in a bar with my buddy Slats and we started talking more than we would because it was dollar Jager bomb night. There’s no way to drink one of those fuckers that’s not fast. Anyway, there’s this one dude at the bar watching us and I just happened to see him go out to his big SUV and pick up a radio. I can;t tell for sure, but my money was that he was an off duty cop and he was running a description on us! Both me and Slats were technically violating parole by being in a bar, but what the hell is a guy supposed to do with a Saturday?

Anyway, we high-tailed it out the back of the place. A little later, sure enough, we saw rollers reflecting off the front. That SOB had called five-oh on us.

Next time we’ll just buy the Jager, I guess. Safer that way.

Quick Question

I am thinking about doing some quick questions and trying to get a dialog going.

(Waves hands in air like an old hippie) You know, man, DIALOG.

So what I’m thinking is asking a quick question that concludes with a statement. So here goes.

This isn't really a good image but I couldn't find a good one so this will have to do

This isn’t really a good image but I couldn’t find a good one so this will have to do

What if bathroom mirrors could be rewound? Before you get all weird and sexual, I mean men’s rooms and women’s room mirrors, so all they’d show would be the top half of people who’d been there before you. Like in a random order. A nervous guy checking his bald spot before an interview, maybe. Or some cool deppo guy with slick sideburns and Johnny Cash hair. Or like an Indian guy in a turban with a bunch of henna in his beard so only the ends were colored. And you couldn’t control it, and nobody told you about it and it was only in this one bathroom so you’d always wonder if maybe you weren’t going insane and you never told anyone and you wound up taking the stairs to a whole other floor because it freaked you out so bad!

And the funny thing was that everybody had seen it but nobody had ever said anything about it to ANYONE.

Maybe this isn’t even a question. Maybe this is a kind of confession.

But maybe it is a question. You decide.